Prayers

Yesterday was the hardest day for me ever!
I cried, I felt very depressed and really didn't want to do anything.

We never set our alarm clock, it was if we wake up for church we get up. Deep inside me I did not want to go to church, would it be about Mother's?? probably...

Well I woke up and God was telling me to go to church, I cried No I can not do it. I woke Evan up and off we went. The whole service killed me, I cried and I fought back tears and I was ready to leave. They were giving flowers out but only to the mother's... Well thanks just stab it further in. I know I am not a mother but just keep stabbing the open wound. Well after church I got a flower and it was a flower for faith. I have faith I will have children soon.

We need prayers right now for hope...

I went on a website and boom there are 2 little boys, everything we want from age to looks like red hair colour lol. But the problem is how do we get them, will our social worker work with us to get these boys since its a different province and they usually don't work out of province. So lots and lots of prayers needed for us, that maybe this could go smooth sailing and that we can maybe get these two beautiful boys.

I have guarded my heart, but I know I love these boys already and I already dream about them. They are the age we want and everything.. Please pray lots for us.

Power

People ask me all the time how I am making it. And some days I am crushed and just want to hide in my shell. But other times, being at church or out and a song comes on the words pop right at me.

This weekend two songs were song and the first one was Majesty

Majesty empty handed but alive in your hands... Wow yes I am empty handed and I had to think about it a lot and was like God when will you fill my hands so they aren't empty? I am alive in your hands but when can we have a child so they can also be alive in your hands. So when singing this song, I felt it was true and wanted to cry and yell and scream why why why? Why God fill my hands.

So we started singing the next song, and if you remember from before I wrote that our social worker only wants us to get 2 kids, so I sometimes wonder if she is passing off 3. I have a feeling we are to have 3. But anyways who are any of us to decide there is only one person and that is God. And there is mighty power coming from the lamb!

There is power power wonder working power in the blood of the lamb

I am empty handed but with the power of the blood of the lamb my hands
will be filled, my life will be filled, and my heart will be filled.

There is power and the only power we will see is from the Lord God
almighty.

A song that gets me through the day

Well this song has been keeping me going...

Everlasting God
Chris Tomlin

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgyokeWf54k

Long post due

Wow haven't posted in a long time

The week I was feeling very down I looked into private adoption and holy cow prices were crazy. Well something weird happened the fertility clinic called us again that week I was feeling like crap. Anyways we have decided to go and see what our options are. We may need to get like $10,000 but hopefully not, will we do IUI or IVF not sure yet, God has plans for both of us.

Adoption news is nothing.... We wait and wait and wait....

Our social worker asked what we would think of a 5 year old child... Well still nothing from that...


So we will wait upon the Lord!!

Private Adoption

Well I think we are going to explore our options for private adoption, its stressful but the more I think I want a new born. I want to start from scratch.

Its a scary thing and it costs lots of money but I am sure we will find the money. I am going to be talking to someone who will help us find a Private adoption place hopefully somewhere around us. Its something I dunno if its what but I know God is calling my heart to open this door also.

Maybe we can do fundraisers to help raise money, we are looking probably around $10K-$20K to adopt a new born.

I am running away from things I am having a hard time right now with not having any light at all. I have given up control to God, I don't harass my social worker because I know God is working but I have a hard time.

Easter we are going away, for a week for a holiday. I can't do it. I can't stay home and watch Larkin do an egg hunt. I love her yes I do but my heart is breaking so bad, it is so ripped and I think May is coming and its mother's day and I can't even think of how awful this day will be for me.

I am hiding behind a wall that no one knows about, I stay strong but like when I write this out I cry and cry and cry. I want a baby! I want to be a mother! I want that big hole in my heart to be healed. I want to be called mommy, I want to take my baby out and do stuff. I want the baby shower (Tomorrow I am going to one, I try to stay strong)But it hurts, its like a knife is being stabbed and twisted and pulled out and then pushed back in. UGH!

Anyways this is a post for today, hopefully tomorrow I can figure out what to do, and get answers about the private adoption.

Wait

A friend sent me this poem and I want to share

Wait
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

BELIEVE, PUSH, FAITH

While attending church I love the worship and believe God is speaking to me through worship, I am a worship girl and get more out of the music then I do the sermons. Always have and always will I believe.

While this past weekend at church, God was speaking to me through the songs.

The Enemy has been defeated! The Enemy in my case is my social worker, she says she only wants us to have 2 children and she only wants this and that... But we know That GOD is our final Judge! And I can not wait till the Enemy is defeated in our case!!

Living Breath of Life- Well We are going to have a new living breath of life one day!

Turn my mourning into dancing- I mourn not being able to have children but I know that once those children are in my arms I will be dancing!

To be still and know- Your plan Lord! Right now I may mourn but I also need to be still and know and have Faith!

You're the light into the darkness- This is a very dark time in our lives its going on a roller coaster through a tunnel constantly, never know when we will finish going through the tunnel.

You're the hope to the hopeless- Yes there are the days we feel we are hopeless, the future is hopeless. When WHEN WHEN!

You're the Peace to the restless- I am very restless and God is giving me peace and calmness

Greater things have yet to come!! AMEN!!! This is so true!!


So yes these songs are for what our life will be with Jesus but its also for what is happening right now in our lives too.

So all that kept coming to me is PUSH (Pray until Something Happens)

We have faith and we will keep praying and asking God for our CHILDREN!!! CHILDREN CHILDREN CHILDREN!!! Bless us Lord Jesus!!