On Bended Knee

On Bended Knee I come, with a humble heart I come

I am getting through each day, My heart is still broken and I can not wait for the day we get kids, I will be so excited and be complete.

We talk to our social worker and we have been talked about 3 different Native sets now.
Today she told me about a 3 month old baby girl, but they are going to try to get Native parents she said well once you get tired of trying to find some I have a family for you. So please pray she is a baby and I would be so grateful and happy with a baby. I do really wish for a sib group but a 3 month baby would do the trick too.

So please please please keep praying that this goes faster for us and that we don't wait forever

Denise

How do you deal with hurt?

I try to find a song that helps me out, and really I don't know God's plan for us and I dream of what God has in store for us, I dream of having a family, I watch each day on the BC adoption board and see kids, and I hope that the kids that get posted or when I get an email or a phone call its my social worker saying guess what we have kids for you.

Today at church we Sung Everything and here are some lyrics that have helped me today.

GOD IN MY HOPING
THERE IN MY DREAMING
GOD IN MY WATCHING
GOD IN MY WAITING

GOD IN MY LAUGHING
THERE IN MY WEEPING
GOD IN MY HURTING
GOD IN MY HEALING

So I do want to share with you, we have been looking into 2 different sibling groups of Aboriginal children, one group is 2,4 and 5 years old and one is 17 months and 3 years old. Please pray for us and that God show's us if any of these children are meant for us.

Please keep praying for us through this, its very tough for each of us and I really need my life to feel complete and I need to be a mother, I am feeling so empty lately and all I want to focus on right now is getting our children.

No Sugar at all

This Post will not be sugar coated at all and if you choose not to read thats okay but I am going to write my feelings out right now and they might not be the best but this is my blog a place where I can bitch about what I need to and to jot down stuff I need to.

So for the past week I have been holding in stuff and I am ready to explode.

Where to start for 1 week now 15 people have announced they are pregnant or going to be a dad, so thats one thing I have to deal with well today going on facebook expecting to see number 16 announcing but also praying not well that didn't happen # 16 announced they are going to be parents today, okay 16 seriously God when will I have the joyful news well 16 is even tougher for me, its a big blow in my heart... #16 is a family who is adopting and started the flippen Home Study in September SEPTEMBER DAMNIT I started Febrauary 10th with our home study and for Crap Sakes I do not know where we stand because our social worker is not getting back to us and well obviously has been helping this family and not us. So yeah that stands that I am so flippen frustrated right now.

Anyways I am so sick of hearing the following

1. In God's time, Well yes I know in God's time, but God I am super ready to be a mother and Evan is a father, and I am sick of hearing it will happen when God wants it to, well God when is that time 2 or 3 years from now. I need to know, I need to have an answer I am ready to give up and throw in the sticks.

2. Your still young don't rush it! Are you kidding me I may be young but do you know for the past 4 years hell all my life I have wanted to be a mother so stop saying it!

3. Well I have heard many many stories of well my sister adopted and then got pregnant, that maybe so but its not getting me a child right now. Maybe we will be lucky one day and have a child of our own but right now I know adoption is it.

Right now I am not happy with my life at all, I am getting depressed and can not handle it anymore. My life is not complete at all, I have Evan but I need to be a mom, I need children. I have wonderful parents and a brother and sister in law and a wonderful niece and great friends BUT WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN is it my time??? Seriously will it be ever? GOD WHEN WHEN WHEN..

Why is it that I want this so bad and someone who doesn't gets pregnant tonight and then doesn't love that child. But for me who wants a kid, who always wanted one its like jumping in front a semi and chancing not getting hit.

I was always told it was an emotional roller coaster, for adoption but you know what the only person making it the roller coaster is my social worker, she has hardly wrote us and let us know anything, obviously as she has been working with this other family and not for us like she said she would have us in the computer and everything.

GOD PLEASE Give me an answer....

I wish I could tell you all my life is complete and I am happy with Life, but really I am not

Well thats all for now

Denise

What do you hate?

So today I have had lots of time to think and I am apart of a few message boards and have tons of friends on facebook.

#1 thing I hate is when people whine about being pregnant because they are sick and wish they weren't sick and how they only talk about that. And they whine whine whine. How I wish I could be pregnant with puking every 10 mins and sicker then a dog, I would be good with it.

#2 Social workers! I say this because our home study was suppose to be done and I have emailed my social worker a few times and nothing!!

#3 people who do not return texts

#4 Going on FB and message boards and finding out 10 people got a Big Fat Positive pee stick! 10 OMG seriously

#5 TIME, WAITING omg I want to just jump and get a kid WHY WHY WHY!!

Anyways sorry we have not written we have not been around, we went on a youth retreat this weekend and man am I tired!

Tonight we painted our ugly Rose walls and painted it a DARK chocolate colour, it looks good!

Anyways I am tired I will write more later

Keep Praying for us and please remember to pray for 4 children that have been in my heart!