Well I think we are going to explore our options for private adoption, its stressful but the more I think I want a new born. I want to start from scratch.
Its a scary thing and it costs lots of money but I am sure we will find the money. I am going to be talking to someone who will help us find a Private adoption place hopefully somewhere around us. Its something I dunno if its what but I know God is calling my heart to open this door also.
Maybe we can do fundraisers to help raise money, we are looking probably around $10K-$20K to adopt a new born.
I am running away from things I am having a hard time right now with not having any light at all. I have given up control to God, I don't harass my social worker because I know God is working but I have a hard time.
Easter we are going away, for a week for a holiday. I can't do it. I can't stay home and watch Larkin do an egg hunt. I love her yes I do but my heart is breaking so bad, it is so ripped and I think May is coming and its mother's day and I can't even think of how awful this day will be for me.
I am hiding behind a wall that no one knows about, I stay strong but like when I write this out I cry and cry and cry. I want a baby! I want to be a mother! I want that big hole in my heart to be healed. I want to be called mommy, I want to take my baby out and do stuff. I want the baby shower (Tomorrow I am going to one, I try to stay strong)But it hurts, its like a knife is being stabbed and twisted and pulled out and then pushed back in. UGH!
Anyways this is a post for today, hopefully tomorrow I can figure out what to do, and get answers about the private adoption.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Wait
A friend sent me this poem and I want to share
Wait
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
Wait
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
Monday, March 1, 2010
BELIEVE, PUSH, FAITH
While attending church I love the worship and believe God is speaking to me through worship, I am a worship girl and get more out of the music then I do the sermons. Always have and always will I believe.
While this past weekend at church, God was speaking to me through the songs.
The Enemy has been defeated! The Enemy in my case is my social worker, she says she only wants us to have 2 children and she only wants this and that... But we know That GOD is our final Judge! And I can not wait till the Enemy is defeated in our case!!
Living Breath of Life- Well We are going to have a new living breath of life one day!
Turn my mourning into dancing- I mourn not being able to have children but I know that once those children are in my arms I will be dancing!
To be still and know- Your plan Lord! Right now I may mourn but I also need to be still and know and have Faith!
You're the light into the darkness- This is a very dark time in our lives its going on a roller coaster through a tunnel constantly, never know when we will finish going through the tunnel.
You're the hope to the hopeless- Yes there are the days we feel we are hopeless, the future is hopeless. When WHEN WHEN!
You're the Peace to the restless- I am very restless and God is giving me peace and calmness
Greater things have yet to come!! AMEN!!! This is so true!!
So yes these songs are for what our life will be with Jesus but its also for what is happening right now in our lives too.
So all that kept coming to me is PUSH (Pray until Something Happens)
We have faith and we will keep praying and asking God for our CHILDREN!!! CHILDREN CHILDREN CHILDREN!!! Bless us Lord Jesus!!
While this past weekend at church, God was speaking to me through the songs.
The Enemy has been defeated! The Enemy in my case is my social worker, she says she only wants us to have 2 children and she only wants this and that... But we know That GOD is our final Judge! And I can not wait till the Enemy is defeated in our case!!
Living Breath of Life- Well We are going to have a new living breath of life one day!
Turn my mourning into dancing- I mourn not being able to have children but I know that once those children are in my arms I will be dancing!
To be still and know- Your plan Lord! Right now I may mourn but I also need to be still and know and have Faith!
You're the light into the darkness- This is a very dark time in our lives its going on a roller coaster through a tunnel constantly, never know when we will finish going through the tunnel.
You're the hope to the hopeless- Yes there are the days we feel we are hopeless, the future is hopeless. When WHEN WHEN!
You're the Peace to the restless- I am very restless and God is giving me peace and calmness
Greater things have yet to come!! AMEN!!! This is so true!!
So yes these songs are for what our life will be with Jesus but its also for what is happening right now in our lives too.
So all that kept coming to me is PUSH (Pray until Something Happens)
We have faith and we will keep praying and asking God for our CHILDREN!!! CHILDREN CHILDREN CHILDREN!!! Bless us Lord Jesus!!
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