Well I think we are going to explore our options for private adoption, its stressful but the more I think I want a new born. I want to start from scratch.
Its a scary thing and it costs lots of money but I am sure we will find the money. I am going to be talking to someone who will help us find a Private adoption place hopefully somewhere around us. Its something I dunno if its what but I know God is calling my heart to open this door also.
Maybe we can do fundraisers to help raise money, we are looking probably around $10K-$20K to adopt a new born.
I am running away from things I am having a hard time right now with not having any light at all. I have given up control to God, I don't harass my social worker because I know God is working but I have a hard time.
Easter we are going away, for a week for a holiday. I can't do it. I can't stay home and watch Larkin do an egg hunt. I love her yes I do but my heart is breaking so bad, it is so ripped and I think May is coming and its mother's day and I can't even think of how awful this day will be for me.
I am hiding behind a wall that no one knows about, I stay strong but like when I write this out I cry and cry and cry. I want a baby! I want to be a mother! I want that big hole in my heart to be healed. I want to be called mommy, I want to take my baby out and do stuff. I want the baby shower (Tomorrow I am going to one, I try to stay strong)But it hurts, its like a knife is being stabbed and twisted and pulled out and then pushed back in. UGH!
Anyways this is a post for today, hopefully tomorrow I can figure out what to do, and get answers about the private adoption.
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